UPON ARRIVAL IN AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL: First inspections; Stepping onto the American street; The road to your destination; An exhausted finale -- GENESIS REDUX: Your first unplanned encounter; A mosey in the new neighborhood; Welcome to the free world's wide web; Grocery shopping; The ABCs of American peculiarities; The immigrant's TV guide -- ON R©SUM© WWRITING, ESL SCHOOL, AND OTHER POST-ARRIVAL DRUDGERIES: Your life on a page; Back to school again; Your American baptism; Two ways to conjugate; You, second edition -- ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, GETTING LOST, AND OTHER POST-ARRIVAL TRIBULATIONS: First transportation woes; Arrival: a tragedy in five acts; Viva la life! Down with death!; Of heaven and hell in the American park -- WELCOME TO SELFISTAN: The birds, the fish, the trees, and the founding fathers; The American: a tribe of one where "1" is king; The exception of the American farewell; Now is the American future; The vices and the virtues; Of an American lover; Love's new language; Your first romance: a few warnings -- THE DIASPORA: CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM, CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM: The abridged catalog of belonging; The good in Diaspora; To be or not to be: in the ethnic enclave; The bad in diaspora; The immigrant's affliction; The ugly in diaspora; The end of cake; And yet, it can be worse -- THE LOVEABLE, THE INEXPLICABLE, AND THE INFURIATING ABOUT AMERICA: A strange brand of generous; On squirrels and Americans; The thanks you owe; What not to learn from Americans; The undoing of America; E as in ©migr©♭, as in Excellence -- ON REFUSING TO MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE AMERICAN BUS: Anti-immigrant vitriol; As the other apple pie; All men are created equal; Except some men; Give me your poor vs. your fat cats; America's dark future; The most reliable gods; The nine circles of the vetting process; Your story, your prayer; A covenant in red, white, and blue.